


love in color

by almightykdy



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mentioned Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun, Post-Break Up, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 08:26:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18311906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/almightykdy/pseuds/almightykdy
Summary: Yuta will never be ready to let go.





	love in color

**Author's Note:**

> for em.
> 
> i do [commissions](https://denini.carrd.co/#cms) now!!

Yuta has never been one to fall fast. 

He’s always been one to fall hard though. He loved so passionately and unconditionally that anyone who got to feel even just a split of the love his heart was capable of giving would feel like the most important person in the world; that’s how hard Yuta loved. 

He’s been in love a few times throughout his life, but if you asked him, he’d tell you he’s never known love until he met Doyoung. 

The two of them clicked right away, kind of.

They met over four years back when Yuta was working in the coffee shop Doyoung frequented during his years at university. The younger of the two was constantly stressed about essays and deadlines and Yuta tried his best to cheer him up with cringey yet sweet post it notes he put on Doyoung’s coffee every time the latter came there during his shift. For the longest time Doyoung didn’t realize that Yuta is trying to be more than just his friend, but instead of finding it frustrating, it only made Yuta fall for Doyoung more. 

Once Doyoung stopped being oblivious to both Yuta’s and his own feelings, their relationship only blossomed. They were different in so many things, but they complemented each other perfectly. Jaehyun, their mutual friend, always said that Yuta was the fire while Doyoung was the edging around his fireplace making sure Yuta’s flames won’t get overbearing. Fire can be dangerous and aggressive when uncontrolled, and a fireplace isn’t complete without the flames. 

But then Doyoung and Yuta broke up and only the ashes remained. 

They started dating in spring and they broke up in spring, and now walking around the city and seeing all the flowers bloom and all the trees blossom made Yuta only feel more pain from the heartbreak. Everywhere he went and everyone he saw had little bits and pieces of their life together, and Yuta has never hated spring more than he did that year. 

What Yuta hated the most was that it was his own fault; they broke up because of him and how overbearing his love grew to be.

Once Yuta got his translating job, he didn’t need to work at the coffee store anymore and he started working from home. At first he tried to make it a rule to go out every single day at least for a little bit, but it was really easy to get comfortable at home when there was technically no need for him to leave the apartment with how easy the modern age made it for him to order food or even get someone to do groceries for him and bring it to his front door. 

Yuta staying at home wasn’t a problem until their sad attempt at living together, because that was when it became painfully obvious how different their lifestyles were. Doyoung worked nine to five and he sometimes stayed at work for longer than that because he was a responsible worker who actually liked his job, and he didn’t like leaving things behind for _tomorrow_.

But the fact that Yuta was constantly home since he was failing the whole _leaving the apartment every day_ thing meant that he was there waiting for Doyoung to get home, and somehow he let paranoia take over him as he became more and more sure that he’s being cheated on every time Doyoung came home later that he was supposed to. 

Yuta wasn’t naturally a jealous person; or at least he didn’t think he was, but he loved – loves – Doyoung so much that he couldn’t _not_ be jealous. 

Maybe if Yuta went out more and talked to more people things would be different. If he wasn’t just sitting at home every day waiting for his boyfriend to get from work, he wouldn’t have the time to get paranoid; he wouldn’t have the time to doubt someone who never once gave him a reason to be doubted – Doyoung deserves better than that. And maybe if Yuta realized all that a bit sooner, they could have been living together for more than two months before it all came crashing down. 

“Yuta, we can’t keep going like this,” Doyoung told him after getting home from work to Yuta bombarding him with questions about his whereabouts. Yuta tried to convince him that he just wants to know about Doyoung’s day, but they both knew that’s a lie. 

They had a fight after that, a big one. Yuta brought up all the times Doyoung gave him “reasons” to be jealous (none of them was even close to justifying Yuta’s behavior) and Doyoung couldn’t handle being accused of cheating. He tried to look at it from Yuta’s perspective but it was useless. 

The next morning Doyoung packed his things and left back to his own apartment (he never sold it _“just in case”_ ) and promised that this is not the end and that they’re going to work this out after both of them have a bit of time off. 

Except it was the end and they never worked it out. 

The worst part of Yuta loving so passionately is that he doesn’t know how to handle heartbreaks. Platonic, romantic – it doesn’t matter – he just can’t deal with them in a healthy way because he’s too consumed by the hurt to think clearly. That’s why after his break up with Doyoung, Yuta ended up frequenting the local bar on more nights than appropriate in hopes of finding something – someone – to replace Doyoung, even if just for the night. 

He would feel bad for all the strangers he’s called Doyoung in the past few weeks, but he doesn’t even fully remember their faces, so it’s hard to force himself to feel any sort of empathy towards them. 

Yuta always tried to go for people who resembled Doyoung in one way or another, and he didn’t care how little or big the resemblance was. Similar body shape or face structure, similar way of walking, similar voice, just anything that could make Yuta feel like it’s okay to do this; like it’s okay to pretend that he still has Doyoung – his Doyoung – next to him. 

Tonight’s _‘victim’_ wasn’t all that similar to Doyoung, but he had wide shoulders and Yuta was so drunk that just that was enough for him.

“I’ll be calling you Doyoung,” Yuta announced in between the kisses he and the stranger shared. “If your ego can’t handle that, we can end this now,” this sort of became Yuta’s catchphrase. There were instances where he was left behind because his partner wasn’t drunk enough to accept that, but in most cases, the men he was with didn’t care because they were after the same thing as Yuta, just probably for different reasons.

“My ego’s fine,” _Doyoung_ chuckled but Yuta just shut him up with another kiss because the man’s voice sounded nothing like _his_ Doyoung’s.

Yuta was pathetic and he was aware of that, but he assumed that love just makes you prone to being pathetic. That’s how he justified that not only did he call strangers by his ex’s name, but he also used them just to have a stimulus for triggering the memories of the nights he’s spent with Doyoung over the years.

Tonight Yuta's mind went back to when he and Doyoung went to Brussels together and Doyoung touched him as if he was the most fragile thing in the whole world; as if he wanted to make sure Yuta won't get scared and run away from him. It wasn't their first time together, but it felt like it. Doyoung took his time to pay close attention to what Yuta enjoys; to how he wants to be touched. Yuta has never felt more loved in his life than he felt that night. 

This Doyoung was also very gentle; he could probably tell that Yuta is going through something (it wasn’t really that hard to see). It wasn't _his_ Doyoung, but it was good enough for the night; it was close enough to _his_ Doyoung; that's why Yuta went back to that night in Brussels in the first place. He felt loved even despite being with a stranger and the biggest reason for that was that in Yuta’s head he wasn’t sleeping with a stranger, he was sleeping with the love of his life.

He usually didn’t stay for the night afterwards, but tonight’s memory was especially emotional and it lulled Yuta to sleep almost right after they were done. Yuta didn’t like staying the night for the simple reason of having to wake up sober next to a stranger; a stranger who might ask questions Yuta didn’t want to answer. 

But waking up the next morning was especially bad because he didn’t wake up next to a stranger, he woke up next to one of Doyoung’s co-workers; the very one he thought Doyoung was cheating on him with.

“Taeyong,” Yuta said to himself, but it was apparently enough to wake the man up. “This is fucked up,” he added, this time a bit louder since Taeyong was awake already. 

“Why? You and Doyoung aren’t together anymore,” Taeyong said matter-of-factly and even though it was the truth, Yuta still felt like slapping him for saying it so casually like that while Yuta was suffering. (He decided not to do it because it’s not like Yuta’s pain is Taeyong’s fault.) 

Yuta felt guilty. As Taeyong said, him and Doyoung weren’t together anymore, so it wasn’t like he was cheating, but the reality of who he slept with still made the guilt amplified by a hundred.

“Don’t you feel bad for sleeping with your friend’s ex?” Yuta asked. He wasn’t trying to make Taeyong feel bad in any way because he wasn’t doing anything wrong - it would be hypocritical to try making him feel guilty - he was just curious. 

“Yuta, Doyoung’s not really my friend,” Taeyong chuckled and looked at him. “He’s a workaholic, I assume you know that,” Yuta did know that. “He isn’t one to go to work to make friends and the only person he really talks to is our boss since he doesn’t have a choice. I only know you two broke up because Jaehyun told me,” Taeyong explained and at that moment Yuta was close to breaking down completely. 

He made the love of his life leave because he was jealous of someone Doyoung wasn’t even close to in the first place. Yuta ruined their relationship for nothing. He was suffering and the only person he could blame for it was himself. 

Everything was a blur after that; Yuta hurriedly grabbed his clothes (he later realized that he accidentally stole Taeyong’s shirt) and left the man’s apartment without saying another word. He just needed to get out of there.

He needed to be alone. 

Or at least that’s what he thought. 

Yuta didn’t think about where he’s going and he let his feet lead the way as his mind was too busy to come up with a destination, but somehow it didn’t come off as a surprise when he ended up standing in the middle of the coffee shop he used to work in for almost two years; the coffee shop where he met Doyoung; the coffee shop where they fell in love. 

He looked around in the hopes of finding Doyoung there because he was pathetic like that, but it was 10AM on a Thursday which meant that Doyoung is at work right now; he doesn’t have time to reminisce over their failed relationship. 

“Yuta, haven’t seen you in a while,” Yuta looked to his right to see Taeil, the manager, walking towards him with a big smile on his face. They ended up talking for longer than planned (considering it wasn’t planned at all), and somehow Yuta walked out of there with being a barista again. His first shift back was on Monday apparently. 

He wasn’t sure how it happened but his brain made a connection between getting his job back and getting Doyoung back. Surely the universe is trying to tell him something by leading him to the place where he and Doyoung fell in love and giving him the job that brought them together back. Surely the universe is trying to tell him that now he needs to run to the company Doyoung works at and beg for his forgiveness, right? 

Right?

Yuta didn’t know if his assumptions are correct or not but he run (he actually took the bus but that’s a minor detail) to Doyoung’s workplace anyway. He didn’t have a game plan; he actually had no clue what he’s going to say once he actually gets there, but there was no stopping him now. He was convinced that this is what the universe wants him to do. 

The lady at the front desk knew him from all the times he’s visited Doyoung before, so there wasn’t an issue with getting past her to the elevator and going to the fourth floor. He didn’t even knock before entering Doyoung’s office because he apparently forgot basic manners on his way here. 

“Yuta,” Doyoung breathed out when he saw who walked into the office, and after knowing each other for four years it was easy to read him like an open book, and Yuta hated how hurt Doyoung was because he knew that it’s all his fault. Yuta was so absorbed in his own feelings that he completely let the fact that Doyoung is going through a heartbreak as well slip his mind.

“I can’t keep kissing strangers pretending that they’re you,” was the first thing Yuta managed to get out of his mouth even though he had so much more he wanted to say. 

He wanted to apologize properly, wanted to tell Doyoung that he was so fucking wrong, beg him for another chance, but he didn’t do any of that at that particular moment as he just stood there and stared at Doyoung, waiting for him to say something – anything. 

“Then don’t,” was what Doyoung said before marching up to him and without second thought pulled him into a kiss, and Yuta was once again proven that there will never be anyone else for him.

Doyoung was, is and always will be the love of his life. His soulmate. His one and only. 

Doyoung is his past, his present and his future, and Yuta will make sure that Doyoung will never become _the one that got away_. 

**Author's Note:**

> this was based on one of those one sentence prompts, this particular one being "I can't keep kissing strangers pretending that they're you." and i'm not sure if i did it justice but yeah,,
> 
> hit me up on [twitter](https://twitter.com/almightykdy) if you want to talk or yell at me, your choice


End file.
